MyFoothold Blog: Is it OK to say No to Parents? or Disrespect?
For our entire childhood, they were THE BOSS, seated in the place of authority in our lives. We needed that.
Our parents were big in our eyes, they were the decision-makers and we looked up to them. We needed their guidance, wanted to please them and show respect to them.
This respect for our parents should never end, but we must be careful as a caregiver that we do not fall into a cycle of thinking that the only way to show respect is to say “yes” to their every desire, repeatedly ignoring our physical and emotional limitations.
So why is it so hard to say no to a parent who is placing unreasonable demands and expectations on us. There are many reasons, ranging from:
Guilt, we can think it’s the only way to show love.
Fear of Confrontation, we don’t want to hurt our parent’s feelings.
Societal Expectations, because someone else thinks we should.
Seeking our parent’s approval.
It’s weird isn’t it, how we can enter into a mindset of still feeling like a child, feeling unable to say no to a parent who wants and needs support that is greater than what we can provide without having negative consequences in our emotional and physical health and having a negative impact on other relationships in our life. Below are benefits of gaining courage to say no, realizing that it is not a show of disrespect.
This is my time. Things have to change.
3 Benefits of saying “NO” As A Caregiver
As a caregiver coach and former caregiver to my mother and aunt, I understand the challenges of caring for an aging parent, especially when their needs are demanding and complex. It can be easy to feel guilty or selfish for saying "no" to certain requests or tasks, but it is important to recognize that setting boundaries is not a show of disrespect or lack of care, it is a word that signifies a boundary which allows for a greater need. So what are the greater needs that can result:
The Need for Self-care.
Saying "no" can actually be an act of self-care and a way to preserve your own physical and emotional well-being. Saying “no’ allows for the space for self-care, otherwise you can erroneously think that you’ll start self-care after the next task is finished, but then it never happens. It's important to prioritize your own needs and limitations, as neglecting them can lead to burnout and resentment towards your caregiving role.
The Need to Promote the Seeking of Alternate Solutions
Saying “no” can also be beneficial for your loved one, as it helps establish clear expectations and can promote improving their own independence and self-sufficiency. By saying "no" to certain tasks or requests, you are allowing them to take a little more responsibility for their own care and encouraging them to seek alternative solutions. It also promotes your need to seek alternate solutions that can lighten your load. Saying ”no” opens up options to seek assistance from others and even the use of technology.
The Need to Improve the Quality of Care You Provide For Your Loved One.
Saying “no” allows you to focus on the tasks and responsibilities you are able to handle effectively, you can avoid spreading yourself too thin and making mistakes or oversights in your caregiving duties. This ultimately benefits both you and your loved one by ensuring that they receive the highest quality of care possible.
Bottom line:
Saying “no” can be a hard thing to articulate to a parent the first couple of times, it can cause you to feel somewhat defiant, and uneasy. But remember that saying "no" is not a negative thing, but rather a necessary tool in maintaining a healthy balance between caregiving responsibilities and personal needs. It's important to communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully, while also being open to finding alternative solutions that meet the needs of both you and your loved one. Remember to speak with kindness but firmness. Surround yourself with the support of others —family members, friends or professionals like a therapist or caregiver coach as it is valuable to have someone to talk to about your feelings and concerns and provide guidance.
As a caregiver coach, I appreciate opportunities to interact with fellow caregivers and use my experiences and training to provide support wherever possible. Please be sure to reach out for further assistance if needed! Join the Finding A Foothold Community.
Listen to Episode 49 of Caregivers Finding A Foothold Podcast which speaks to this same topic.
Disclaimer: The podcast and blog are intended to provide basic information so that you can become a more informed caregiver. The information presented is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not meant to serve as medical advice or replace consultation with any health care providers you regularly engage with. Transmission or receipt of any of this information is not intended to, and does not, create a therapist-patient relationship. This information is not provided in the course of a therapist-patient relationship and is not intended to constitute medical advice or to substitute for obtaining medical advice from a physician or therapist licensed in the state where your family may reside. We encourage everyone to consult with your physician or therapist to see if they are appropriate and safe for you.