Caregiving Requires Courage.

So what do you do when you feel that you are making a huge sacrifice to care for your loved one, and yet they don’t want to be inconvenienced by changes that need to be made in how they live and in how they want their day to be setup? They are physically capable of doing more, or changing how they want things done but won’t and as a result, it requires more of your time and more sacrifices on your part.

With caregiving, it can start with the wearing of rose-colored glasses. Your loved one has a need and you willingly step in and help. That’s human-kindness, we do that because we care.

But what happens when you then begin to feel stuck, because your loved one has settled in a routine that keeps you tethered to them and you see no way out? You can feel like you’ve painted yourself into a corner.

That’s a question with no easy answer — but a question with a definite need for an answer, often needing immediately action and requiring setting of boundaries for tasks that require your assistance.

“I know she can do better, the therapists say she needs to walk more but she won’t. She sits and tells me what to do. What do I do? I need to go back to work. “

This is a question called into the Caregiver’s Finding A Foothold Podcast.

How long can I afford to be off work?

Boundaries of Care: 3 Steps To Changing Caregiving

Having to say no to a parent is one of the hardest things to learn to do. It can feel disrespectful, when you feel obligated to do whatever they want you to do and how they want you to do it — but this is so untrue. You can say no, delivered with kindness, and often presented with alternatives and with input from your loved one as needed.

It takes courage and is essential that you set care boundaries in order to maintain a degree of control of your live. You must realize that caregiving takes teamwork — they also have a part to play otherwise things can quickly become one-sided, out of balance. Tips that can help:

Be honest about your feelings and concern.

Have those conversations. Start immediately. Talk about the structure of the day. Point out areas where progress is being made and the success achieved. Highlight those tasks that your loved one can now perform without your help. Hightlight the improvements they have made, acknowledge that you realize that life has been different for them but also different for you. Emphasis your willingness to continue to support and help them but the need to also make changes for the benefit of your mental, physical and financial health.

Discuss what is not working, what areas still need your assistance.

Talk honestly about routines that need to be simplified, made safer or eliminated. Discuss options on how to modify how things are done, when they done, and how often things are done. Discuss benefit of performing tasks in different manners or making temporary changes in the environment in order to make things more efficient and to save time. Discuss the need to explore adding in others to help shoulder the load.

Create an action plan.

Start slow. Don’t try to change everything at one time. Slowly unravel the learned dependency upon you that you have created. Give them options. Give praise on changes they make. Continuously tweak things as you slowly wean them off your support. Make sure they are safe. Monitor them. May sure they have successes. Be consistent. Don’t given in to manipulation. Be firm on not doing things they are safe to do.

Remember, they have a right to do things their way, but you don’t have to participate.

This is so hard. I am speaking to those scenarios when your loved one is refusing to change, refusing to compromise, refusing to acknowledge the hardship they are creating in your life. There comes a time when you may have to say, I’ve done all I can do, we have to make a change, my livelihood, my health depends on it.

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Bottom line:

There is no cookie cutter solution for anything in caregiving. Each caregiver must find a path that works for them. Oftentimes little tweaks are needed and the picture gets better. Other times you have to say, my loved one’s needs are greater than what I can give, my 100% isn’t enough, a big change needs to happen. Are you facing or have faced a similar struggle? Listen to Episode 45 of the podcast for an inside look!

Disclaimer: The podcast and blog are intended to provide basic information so that you can become a more informed caregiver. The information presented is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not meant to serve as medical advice or replace consultation with any health care providers you regularly engage with. Transmission or receipt of any of this information is not intended to, and does not, create a therapist-patient relationship. This information is not provided in the course of a therapist-patient relationship and is not intended to constitute medical advice or to substitute for obtaining medical advice from a physician or therapist licensed in the state where your family may reside. We encourage everyone to consult with your physician or therapist to see if they are appropriate and safe for you.