Past Relationships Affect Caregiving
Starting a new client is always interesting. I never know exactly what the dynamics of the family will be when I enter a home and it usually takes a couple of visits or more to really start to get a glimpse of what type of relationship exists.
I love to have those couples who have been happily married for decades. There is the spouse who has had an unfortunate injury or have sustained a devastating diagnosis and the livelong partner goes over and beyond to make sure their spouse is comfortable and make sure they are properly taken care of. The caregiver is very attentive to all teaching during the OT session and actively participates in hands on training sessions. It is such a true testament of “in sickness and in health.”
On the surface, there are some couples who appear to have this same love and devotion to one another. But it doesn’t take long to see a different picture. The caregiving spouse begins to appear disinterested in learning how to properly assist the disabled spouse and often leaves the room instead of actively engaging in the sessions. It’s impossible to teach someone who doesn’t want to be taught.
Over the course of time, I usually can get a little bit of the story behind what is going on. There is often a history of a strained relationship, a relationship that contains a lot of hurt. And this greatly impacts the caregiving story.
There is usually a sad outcome —the caregiving spouse stays and reluctantly does the bare minimum to assist with the care, and both are miserable.
It breaks my heart every time because this is not the way to live.
What I have observed and learned over the years:
If the caregiver and the care recipient had a rocky relationship before the illness —this doesn’t automatically change.
If the care recipient favored another sibling over the caregiving child —this doesn’t automatically change.
If the care recipient was strong-willed and opinionated —this doesn’t automatically change.
If the care recipient was kind and gentle hearted —you are blessed.
If you desire to provide the best care for someone who gave you their best —you will. Just know that it may not always look like “the best” that you thought you would be able to do. And that’s ok. Your best may one day be that you allow someone else to do the hands-on care. If you do, you are still doing what is best for them and you.
Bottom Line: When you become the caregiver to a loved one, you bring into your role a history that may be filled with good and bad. Be prepared to work through some hurts. You may need to seek professional help, there may need to be a healing and forgiveness to take place. If you had a very loving history and you enter into caregiving with the goal of meeting every need of your loved one, you may need to take it slow. Find a way of providing the best care, with the support from others. Remember that your demonstration of love is not based on how much you do or the fact that you do it all.
Consuela Marshall, Occupational Therapist, Caregiver
Listen to the Caregiver’s Finding A Foothold Episode 26: Past Relationships Affect Caregiving. The podcast is available on the FindingAFoothold.com website and on all major podcast streaming sites.
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Disclaimer: The podcast and blog are intended to provide basic information so that you can become a more informed caregiver. The information presented is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not meant to serve as medical advice or replace consultation with any health care providers you regularly engage with. Transmission or receipt of any of this information is not intended to, and does not, create a therapist-patient relationship. This information is not provided in the course of a therapist-patient relationship and is not intended to constitute medical advice or to substitute for obtaining medical advice from a physician or therapist licensed in the state where your family may reside. We encourage everyone to consult with your physician or therapist to see if they are appropriate and safe for you.